


Real Life

by deedeeinfj



Category: Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: F/M, First Time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 09:21:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6188923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deedeeinfj/pseuds/deedeeinfj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s not that I don’t want to,” she murmured against his skin and collar. “I’m scared.” There. She had said it. (Cath/Levi first time)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Real Life

**Author's Note:**

> Finally read Fangirl. Loved it. Here is fic. :D

“‘It seemed as inevitable and involuntary as breathing, leaning in to kiss Simon,’” she read. She took a deep breath. “And then they... I’ll just skip ahead a little.”

 

Levi stopped kissing the nape of her neck - _No, no!_ “You always skip ahead. You never read the naughty bits.”

 

“It makes me feel awkward,” Cath explained. “And besides, you don’t want to hear about two guys doing it, do you?”

 

“I want to hear what _you wrote_ about two guys doing it,” he replied, and she could hear the grin in his voice.

 

She closed her laptop and set it aside on her bed, then turned in his lap and nuzzled her nose against his. “I’m too embarrassed,” she said. “Please.”

 

Levi tilted his chin up to press his lips against hers. “It’s okay.” He kissed her again. “You don’t think I would judge you or anything, right? Or laugh at you?”

 

“You might not _mean_ to, but then you might hear some of it and think I’m some kind of pervert for wanting to write stuff like this. And reading it out loud to someone makes it more real, somehow, than just writing it.”

 

“Cather.” He took her face in both hands, his thumbs stroking her cheeks. “I think it’s cool. I think it’s hot.” His eyes flitted from her eyes to her mouth and back up again, and he smiled. “You’re so cute when you blush.”

 

“Am not,” she mumbled through lips tightened against a grin of her own.

 

He traced her mouth with his finger. “Are so.”

 

Smiling now, she nuzzled her face into his neck - always so warm and clean-smelling and _him_ \- and closed her eyes as his arms tightened around her.

 

“Maybe you could show me instead.”

 

She froze, then lifted her head slowly, eyes narrowed. “Show you?”

 

His usually playful gaze was dark and earnest. Scary. No, not scary. Exciting. “Show me what Simon does to Baz.”

 

_Oh, yes! Do it!_ exclaimed that secret, shivery part of her that first daringly typed the word “cock” and felt wanton - deliciously sinful.

 

But Cath had years of experience squelching that wicked voice in “real life.” She quickly shifted out of Levi’s lap and clasped her hands to steady them. “I can’t do that,” she said. She shook her head as if to convince herself. “I’m not ready for that. I don’t think I...”

 

“Hey, hey,” he said. He smoothed her hair with one hand and tucked it behind her ear. “We’re not going to do anything you’re not ready for. Nothing you don’t want to do. I promise, okay? C’mere.” He offered his arms, and she willingly moved back into them, resting her head on his shoulder.

 

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” she murmured against his skin and collar. “I’m scared.” There. She had said it.

 

His fingers combed through her hair, and he was quiet for such a long moment that she wondered if he’d even heard what she said. At last, he said, “What are you scared of, Cather? Not that I’d hurt you?”

 

“No, never.”

 

“Are you scared of it... hurting? You know, the first time?”

 

“Maybe a little, but that’s not it.”

 

“Tell me, sweetheart.” His voice was gentle, tender.

 

She tightened her grip on his t-shirt; she hadn’t even realized that she was clutching it. “I’m scared of looking stupid. Being bad at it. I don’t know what to do, not really.”

 

“Based on what we’ve done so far, I think you know exactly what you’re doing. Look at me, Cather.” When she sat up and met his eyes, he continued, “You do what feels good to you. You stop if you start feeling uncomfortable. You tell me what you like. And everything you do to me feels amazing.” As if he could sense the protest on her tongue, he smiled and repeated with an exaggerated roll of his eyes, “ _Amazing_.”

 

She shrugged one shoulder and looked away. “But you’re a nice guy. You’re being nice.”

 

“Do you think I’d lie to you?”

 

“No...”

 

“Okay, then.” He cupped her cheek and turned her face back to his. “When we have sex, it’s going to be great,” he said. “I know that because we love each other and because everything up to this point has been great.” He paused, as if doubting himself for a moment. “Hasn’t it?”

 

“It has,” she admitted, unable to keep from smiling.

 

“Okay, then,” he said again. He stroked a hand up and down her back, scratching lightly with his fingernails through her thin top. “I want to make you feel so good, Cather,” he said, and his voice sounded deeper than usual... scratchy. _Gravelly_ , she might have written.

 

“I’m going to write it,” she said suddenly. _Wait, what?_

 

“Write it?”

 

“Our sex scene. I’m going to write it.” She nodded. “Would you read it? Yourself, I mean. I couldn’t read it to you, I don’t think.”

 

“Of course I’d read it. But you know you don’t have to do this if...”

 

“I want to.”

 

“Okay, then, Magicath. Write us some smut.” He grinned, and she couldn’t help but grin back. “For accuracy’s sake,” he added, “I better tell you that I have a very large... member. Manhood. What word do you use?”

 

She hit him with a pillow.

 

\-----

 

_“You okay?” he asked gently. She could see the strain on his face and feel the tension in his body as he held himself still above her, giving her time to adjust to the sensation of his body inside hers._

_She nodded. “I’m okay.” She took in a deep, slow breath and concentrated on the connection between them. The trust and intimacy. The pleasure he had already given her with his hands and mouth. Her love for him - and his for her. “I’m more than okay.”_

 

That was where she ended it. She had already written beyond what she knew; she didn’t know if she’d really be able to relax enough to have an orgasm the first time a guy touched her that way. She didn’t know if it would really be only “a slight pinch” when he pushed inside her.

 

It wasn’t like she was writing what she knew when she wrote her slash fics, either, but this felt more personal. She could imagine male pleasure well enough... but her own? The workings of her own mysterious body, which she herself had never been able to figure out? How it would feel to have Levi inside her? The very thought made goosebumps travel up her arms.

 

She sat beside Levi in his bed, her hands crossed over her body almost as if she could hold herself together. He read slowly. So maddeningly slowly. If he didn’t hurry, she considered the all-too-real possibility of barfing on him.

 

At one point, he looked up at her with an expression she couldn’t decipher. “You want me to go down on you?” he asked.

 

Her eyes widened, and she knew her mouth was gaping like a fish’s. Her face felt about ten thousand degrees hotter. She shook her head. “That was just... I mean...”

 

He covered her white-knuckled hands with one of his, and it was so warm and steady. “I want to,” he said softly.

 

She had always wondered if you could really see things like “desire” and “tenderness” in a person’s eyes, much less both at once. Well, you could, and she did. How hot could a person get before they burned through their clothes?

 

Fortunately, Levi returned to the story and didn’t say anything else until he had finished. Only about an _eternity_ later. He lowered the pages, looked thoughtful for a moment, and set them aside.

 

“Thanks for letting me read that,” he said.

 

She shrugged. She should have said, “Thanks for reading it and not thinking I’m a weirdo pervert. Thanks for being the best guy in the whole world. Thanks for using that soap that smells so good.” Her mouth felt too dry to say anything.

 

He turned onto his side and shifted so that his head rested on the pillow. “C’mere?” he asked. Cath slid down onto her side and faced him. “Hi,” he said.

 

“Hi.”

 

Levi laid his hand on her waist and drew her closer, kissing her with sweet but clear intention. He gradually moved over her - or maybe it was her moving under him, she couldn’t tell - and touched her skin just under the hem of her shirt.

 

“Can I?” he asked. She sat up a little so he could pull her t-shirt over her head. He smiled at the lavender bra she wore beneath. “This is new,” he observed, sliding a finger under one of the straps. “New to me, at least.”

 

“It’s new,” she confirmed. She indicated that she wanted his shirt off as well, and he happily obliged. She had grown addicted to the feel of his warm, bare chest against hers. The tickle of his fine hair against her skin as he kissed her chest and stomach. He had touched her breasts before, but only over her bra or shirt. It was time, she knew, to take another step.

 

She curled her torso up again and reached around to unhook her bra. Levi’s breath rushed out in a whoosh. “You sure about this?” he asked.

 

“Positive,” she replied, pulling the straps down her arms and tossing the bra away.

 

“God, Cather.” He covered one small breast with his hand, and she fell back against his pillows with a whimper.

 

“They’re not as big as R—”

 

“Shhhh,” he said, pressing his mouth to hers. “You’ll tell me if you want me to stop or if something’s uncomfortable, yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He kissed her again. “I love you, beautiful girl.”

 

Then his lips traveled down her neck, across her collarbone, to the center of her chest. He circled a nipple with his tongue and drew it into his mouth, and Cath pushed her fingers into his hair, arching herself closer to him. He hummed, and it was a pleased sort of sound, and it felt fucking _great_.

 

She heard a disappointed whine leave her when he stopped. “Feels good?” he asked, and she wondered if she looked as flushed and breathless as he did. And, if so, did it look as good on her as it did on him?

 

“Yes. Please don’t stop.” A smile lit up his face. “Ugh, how are you so beautiful?” she asked.

 

He laughed at that, a delighted, happy laugh, and lowered his mouth to her other breast. After a little while, he wandered some more. He kissed her stomach and teased her belly button with his tongue while she squirmed and giggled. He paused at the waistband of her jeans.

 

“Yes,” she said. He raised an eyebrow, and she repeated, “Yes.” She couldn’t tell if it sounded more like begging or demanding.

 

Levi unbuttoned her jeans and dragged the zipper down. She lifted her hips and watched as he tugged the pants down her legs. He ran his hands up over her calves and thighs. “Look at you,” he whispered.

 

“You too.” Before she could lose her nerve, she slid her hands down his chest and over his stomach to the button of his jeans. “I mean... if it’s okay,” she said.

 

Levi crawled up to kiss her. “Whatever you want to do, I want to do. All right? I’m in. And that goes for stopping, too.”

 

He pushed himself up and started to unbutton his jeans.

 

“Wait!” She rose to her knees and reached for him. “Can I?”

 

Nodding, he watched her as she worked his fly with trembling fingers. When she finished, he pulled his jeans down and stepped out of them. Cath couldn’t help herself; her eyes landed on his boxers - on the prominent bulge in his boxers - and didn’t seem capable of looking elsewhere.

 

“Hey,” he said, tilting her chin up. “If you’re not—”

 

“Can I touch you?”

 

He exhaled a shaky laugh. “I’m not gonna say no to that. But just a little, okay? I want to take care of you tonight, and I need all my faculties.”

 

They laughed together, and it felt good. Everything about this, about them, felt safe and right. And that gave her the courage to reach out and touch him through his boxers. She moved closer and angled her hand at his waistband. “Can I...?”

 

He swallowed and nodded, and she slid her hand down to feel his skin. “Cather,” he breathed.

 

“It’s so soft!” she exclaimed, and he laughed. “No, I mean... the skin. I didn’t mean...” She jerked her hand away. “I told you I’d be bad at—”

 

Levi took her hand and lifted it to his mouth. “The skin _is_ soft,” he said. He pressed light kisses to her knuckles, her fingers, and her palm. “Did you like how it felt?” Face burning, she nodded.

 

He guided her backwards until she was lying against his pillows with him hovering over her. “Can I see you - all of you?” He stroked her hair back from her face. “Can I touch you?”

 

Again she nodded. She watched him as he made his way down her body again, touching and kissing her breasts, nuzzling her hip bone, teasing his fingers up the inside of her thigh. He hooked his thumbs into the waistband of her boy shorts, and she raised her hips in silent permission. She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the cotton sliding down her legs. She had never done any maintenance down there. Should she have shaved? She felt wet and sticky. Did she look gross? _Smell_ gross? Oh, God...

 

Then she felt a light, warm touch, and she opened her eyes to see Levi nuzzling her with his nose, his gaze fixed on hers, just before he touched her with his tongue. Her mouth fell open, and she heard a noise escape that might have embarrassed her if she could focus enough attention on it to think about it. But there was only Levi, his mouth, and now his fingers.

 

“Levi,” she sighed, carding her fingers into his soft, soft hair, and she heard him moan. Even better, she _felt_ him moan against her skin. “Levi,” she repeated, “please... oh, please...”

 

Before she knew it, her legs were thrown over his shoulders, and she was pressing her heels into his back and quite possibly pulling out all his hair. Was she pushing herself into his face? Holy shit, she was. And she didn’t even care. “I’m sorry,” she cried. “Levi, I don’t know what to... oh, God... I don’t know how to...”

 

Without stopping the movement of his fingers inside her, Levi raised his head. “That’s right, Cather,” he said. When had his voice gotten so deep? “That’s right,” he said again. He put his mouth back on her, and she almost cried, not knowing what to do with _so much, too much_ , where could it all possibly go?

 

And then it all went away in a blissful release. Her first orgasm. And Levi... Levi had done that. She forced her eyelids open and found him smiling down at her. “That was scary,” she said.

 

His smile disappeared in a worried frown. “I’m sorry, I thought... You seemed to be enjoying it.”

 

“No,” she laughed. Her body felt weightless, her head so light it might float away. She kept laughing. “No, it was scary to be so out of control. That something could feel so amazing, you forget how to work your muscles and your brain and... Levi, will you do that to me every day?”

 

Now he laughed, too, and it made her heart impossibly lighter. “Until every hair on my head is gone, I will.”

 

“I’m sorry,” she said, smoothing his poor scalp with her fingers.

 

He smiled. “Don’t be. It was fucking sexy.”

 

She kept stroking his hair, looking up into his sweet, lovely face. “Do you have a condom?” she asked.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I want to have sex with you,” she said. “Well, really, I want to... um…” She laughed at herself and shook her head.

 

“Go on,” Levi said. He kissed her nose. “What?”

 

“I was going to say I want to make love to you, but that’s a line out of a cheesy fanfic.”

 

“Maybe I like it.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

He nodded and this time kissed her mouth. “Yeah.” He pushed up on his arms, rummaged in the top drawer of his nightstand, and returned with a condom - the “foil wrapper” she had read about in so many fics.

 

Then she watched in fascination as he pushed off his boxers and kicked them off his legs. She had described “cocks” in quite a few fics by now. The “velvety skin,” the “weeping head,” the... She forced herself back to the real world. This wasn’t Simon or Baz. This was Levi. Her own Levi.

 

And though she had always been afraid of laughing when she saw a penis in real life, she felt no such temptation now. Sure, they were funny-looking. But in context - in the context of being with someone you love and who loves you back, in the context of it being another part of his body, part of _him_ \- it was different somehow.

 

She opened her arms to him. And, she realized, she had opened her legs to him as well. He rested between her thighs, cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her so sweetly. She could feel his erection against her, and it wasn’t enough.

 

“I want you,” she whispered.

 

“Is that scary?” he asked.

 

“No.”

 

He tore open the wrapper and reached between them to slide on the condom. She expected him to push in next, but instead he curled one and then two fingers inside her. It felt good, and she pushed her hips up to meet him.

 

“Please, Levi.”

 

He grinned. “Patience, grasshopper.”

 

He leaned forward to kiss her, still smiling, and she felt his fingers slip out of her and move up to circle her clit. She moaned into his mouth, and it turned into a sharp gasp as he pushed inside her. There was no pain, no “slight pinch.” But it was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable and shocking and weird. She stiffened in his arms.

 

Levi stroked her hair. “Did I hurt you?”

 

“No... no. It’s just... weird.”

 

He huffed a quiet laugh. “Yeah, it is. Weird and fantastic.” He pulled out slightly and pushed back in, his fingers still moving gently above.

 

“Mmmm,” she sighed. She wrapped her legs around his waist to hold him closer. “I feel... full. It’s good, Levi. It’s so good.”

 

“Fuck,” he panted, and it made her stomach clench in a thrilling way. “This will not be my best work.” He smiled through clenched teeth. “You’re so... too...”

 

She had read the phrase “Come for me” in a number of fics, and it always made her heart race, though she never understood why. Now she got it. It made her feel powerful to see Levi overcome in her arms, in her body.

 

“It’s okay,” she said, sliding her hands over his back. “Come for me.”

 

And he did, and it was glorious. His face. The way his body shuddered. The way his weight pressed her into the mattress. His heart pounding right next to hers. She continued stroking his back and kept her legs locked around him. She pressed kisses into his hair.

 

“Sorry that was too quick,” he said, his lips tickling her neck. “I wanted your first time to be—”

 

“It was perfect,” she said. “It was perfect, and you are perfect, and I love you.”

 

“That would be so cheesy if it was in a fic.”

 

She smiled up at the ceiling. “Well, it’s a good thing this is real life, then.”


End file.
